Thoughts on dating…

Dating is so different now than it was 10 years ago. It’s a little bit scary to think about… But I’ve been thinking a lot about it…
Sometimes I think I want to date… the truth is it sounds exhausting.
I want to be around someone. I crave that. I want to sit and talk with someone who makes me laugh. To have that person look at me and connect with me. To want to know me more. I want to spend time getting to know that person too. I want to have someone I can tell all my fears to. Share my hopes and dreams with… and share theirs too. Someone that I can tell the things I don’t tell anyone… the things that well up inside me from somewhere so deep… the secret things that I don’t even know how to put into words. I want those things to be known. And I want to be loved for them. I want to be held and desired. I want to be cherished…

I want all of those things. But I want them with someone I know won’t hurt me. I want them with someone I know will be around in 10, 20… 40 years… that won’t leave me when someone sexier comes along…

I honestly don’t think I want to date again…
But what do I do with that longing? The longing to be seen and known and loved?

That longing is so deep… I know a man could never satisfy it… Man was never meant to.

I had a realization today… I went to the park to be with God. Alone. And he was faithful to meet with me there. I had felt distant lately. And I ached to be known. I sat and took every fear, every longing… and I gathered them up and lay them at His feet. And they turned to dust… then He spoke to me… so I sang to Him… and He danced with me.
It was a beautiful interaction. I knew that He heard me. He saw me, my fears and my hopes. It was He who stirred up those things deep inside me… the things I don’t understand. He knew them fully without me saying a word. He covered me with His love. And I knew this is a love that never stops, never gives up, is always faithful… This is a love I can trust.
~I heard Him say “This is a good date… will you meet with me again soon?”

My thinking shifted. I was spending so much time longing to be known by a man. But I was already known by my Creator… I was aching to spend time with someone, yet God was aching to spend time with me! How much time do I waste wishing for things that don’t satisfy… while I have access to the only One who can…
~Lord, help me to desire you more than I desire a date. Help me to ache and yearn for Your love… It is the only love that will fill this need. It is what this need was created for. To lead me to You. Remind me to turn to You with it when I start looking to lesser things!!~

Isaiah 54:10
“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Zephaniah 3:17
“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.”

Isaiah 54:5
“For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

Lamentations 3:22-23
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.”

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What do you expect from me?

If you aren’t here to honor my journey or get help walking through yours… then you really shouldn’t be here…

NF will help me with my words…

How do you picture me, ah?
Want me to smile, you want me to laugh..
You want me to walk in the stage with a smile on my face
When I’m mad and put on a mask? For real though…
I mean, what you expect from me?
I’m tryna do this respectfully!
They say that life is a race
I know my problems’ll probably catch up eventually
I do my best to be calm.

I put it all in the open
This is the way that I cope with all my emotion

What you think about me,
That doesn’t worry me.
I know I handle some things immaturely.
I know that I need to grow in maturity.
I ain’t gon’ walk on these stages in front of these people
And act like I live my life perfectly.
That doesn’t work for me
“Christian” is not the definition of a perfect me, woo
I ain’t the type to be quiet
I ain’t gon’ sit here in silence

I don’t expect everyone to respect it
I don’t expect you to get my perspective
I don’t  know what you expect here…
What you expect from a therapy session?

Lyrics taken from “Therapy Session” by NF