Wave after Wave

 

Good Grief.

I used to wonder what people meant by that. What could possibly be good about grief? I thought the point was that it wasn’t good at all?

I’ve experienced a lot of grief in my life… from living through sexual abuse/assault, being betrayed and abandoned by those I trusted most, the loss of loved ones, the finality of infertility, the pain of adultery, the death of a marriage… watching my daughter’s heart break when she heard the word “divorce”… recently I lost both of my cats. One died peacefully in my arms. The other… I heard her get hit by a truck yesterday. I watched her in her death throes. I screamed in anguish in the middle of the street… not only for the loss I felt and the pain and fear my cat must have felt… but knowing that my Luvbug’s heart would break again. Her tiny heart should not have to bear the weight it has had to bear this past year.

Grief affects everyone differently. I’ve done it all… I’ve hid my emotions, I’ve yelled them at the top of my lungs. I’ve thrown myself into new hobbies and distractions, I’ve considered ending my life completely. I’ve acted out emotionally; drinking, boys, spending sprees that put me in debt… I’ve felt the physical affects; A heart condition, moles that grow then disappear, nervous stomach problems, anxiety attacks…  I’ve held tightly to the illusion of control trying to maintain the tiniest bit of order in my life…
Yesterday afternoon I noticed a knot on my head and a scratch from the pavement. I suppose I hit my head on the street in my grief… I remember leaning over, but I felt no pain… I screamed until my neighbors came running. One messaged me today to tell me he couldn’t stop thinking about me in the street and that his heart breaks for me. My neck muscles are sore today from screaming so hard…

But not 2 hours after her death, I was laughing at a friend’s joke. Then I wept again. Then I felt peace again… And I felt guilty. I used to panic in the pain. Like a fish out water, I’d gasp for relief… I used to feel like a tattered flag barely hanging on to a ship’s mast in a hurricane… Now I feel the comforting weight of my Anchor holding me secure.
All this grief has taught me something… It has taught me how to mourn without losing myself in the pain.

Grief comes over us in waves… but so does God’s mercy…

The pain hits you… sometimes so hard you can’t breathe. And all you can do is sit and feel it. Accept it. Mourn in that moment
-Then let it withdraw-
When it does, enjoy a wave of God’s mercy. His mercy gives you rest… if you choose to rest in it. His mercy will bring you peace if you choose to accept it. And it reminds you that you are not alone…

Accept His peace. Accept His rest. Let His Mercy wash over you… wave after wave.
The grief gets less and less painful as you learn to trust Him through it.
And you’ll see how grief actually can be good…

“His Mercy flows in wave after wave on those who are in awe before Him.” Luke 1:50 MSG

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“Stand in the rain, stand your ground. Stand up when it’s all crashing down. Stand through the pain, you won’t drown. And one day what’s lost can be found…”

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