April’s Fool

10 years ago today. April Fool’s Day 2006.
I went with my friends to our church.
There was a conference being hosted there…
I walked in and I met the man who would later become my husband. And then my ex.

I used to be so terrified of losing him.
Anxiety attacks if I lost a single keepsake… Nightmares about him leaving me.
Waking up in the night begging him not to..
I would (and often did) do anything to keep him.
Even when I shouldn’t have.
I was scared that somehow it was all some big April Fool’s joke.

I think I knew deep down that we were never meant to last.
I was given several signs that I should just walk away…
But I didn’t
My heart was terrified of what my brain already knew.

We had been through so much…
On-again-off-again dating… Him cheating while we were dating… A rushed wedding (because we didn’t want people knowing he had moved in with me… and because my fear of being alone was always greater than my sense of value)…
Pregnant only 2.5 months after the wedding…
Multiple affairs before and during the pregnancy. I left him a few times…
I always went back. I had valid reasons…

After 3.5 years of fighting… I mean seriously fighting for my marriage, I left him again. This was the end. I knew it for sure. I knew without a doubt that I was done.
We had been apart for several months before I began pursuing divorce.
Then I got scared. I stopped pursuing God. I slid into depression.
I started drinking again… I began falling into old habits.
And that terrified me. I thought I was different?
But there I was again…?

Then he swept in and made me feel safe… as usual… He became my rock and sense of security…  A false sense of security. A shaky foundation.
When my hope should have been in God…

He seemed to have changed.
And I thought our family was worth another shot…

3 years ago today. April Fool’s Day 2013.
I stood in a white dress at a beautiful park with my husband and we renewed our vows in front of close friends and family.

I had no idea that he had already begun talking to other girls by then.

I don’t know how many girlfriends he has had over the years.
Because when I asked he said “more than I can count”.

God is a loving God. He doesn’t play jokes on His children.
He also doesn’t make mistakes.
I went through this fire for a reason. And I am grateful.
If I hadn’t been through what I have been through, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I would have no idea how strong I am when I lean on God. What I am capable of in Him.
I am so much stronger, more fierce, and far braver than ever I thought.
Than anyone thought.

Today…  April Fool’s Day 2016
I thought the past 10 years was a painful joke. But it wasn’t.
I thought I was a fool. But I’m not.
I gave everything to a man who was undeserving.
-he was the fool-

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2 thoughts on “April’s Fool

  1. I admire your bravery and honesty in telling the story of the loss of your marriage. I wish I could find such bravery in my own life, to tell my own truths. God bless.

    Like

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